A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
