Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
