I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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