i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Two words: blizzard sex
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
