remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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