The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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