i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
