I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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