if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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