i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Randomize
