you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
