Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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