some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize