I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
