dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
