There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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