Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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