dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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