oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
