Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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