Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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