Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
