I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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