You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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