you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
