I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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