If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
