I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
false alarm, still single
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
