Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
