My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
