Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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