nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
