So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
