The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
