Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
