You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
