Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Vodka?
Forever.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
