Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
