He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
