Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
