Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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