I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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