FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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