i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
