someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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