my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
