Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
