Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize