I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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