Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
