I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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