i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
