Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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