i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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