This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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