I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
