I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize