My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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