someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize