and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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