he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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