Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
