saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
