he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
