3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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