I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
