just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Randomize
