So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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