threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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