I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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